The XMark Theatre chain has long been recognized as a leader in movie management circles. They brought us reserved seating with waiters, free popcorn and drinks, and online purchasing of tickets. Their latest invention was announced by Cody (head usher) tonight as he introduced the film Bridge of Spies starring Tom Hanks. He reinforced the fact that the theatre highly supports the idea of no cell phone use which includes no texting after the previews. What came next was a shocker. Cody said that XMark had decided to act on a suggestion from a very young former moviegoer and rollout a revolutionary plan in early 2016. He noted that the chain had never really been serious about a no tolerance policy of
cretin patrons who disrupt everyone within ten yards of them by incessant and obnoxious popcorn bag noise. ‘This…..he said, is about to change. We will be installing keypads on each arm rest for your convenience. There will also be a retractable roof installed shortly after Christmas. Customers will be warned in the introduction that the moronic rustling of popcorn bags after previews will result in an ejection from the movie. Here’s how it works….anyone near the offending clueless patron can punch in the seat number of the fool
and the retractable roof will be activated. Once opened, the offender will be ejected in ten seconds like a fighter pilot in a doomed jet. Complimentary parachutes will be available to anyone who has a history of rudeness and intelligence rivaling the boxer Mike Tyson. We believe this will solve the problem and encourage folks to bring ear muffs and a heavy winter coat in case the ejection process is needed.
** the very young former moviegoer changed seat locations three times tonight in the first thirty minutes and spent the rest of the time in the lobby. The manager informed him that the Saturday before Christmas has always been designated as Moron at The Movie Night.
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