‘Hello, and thank you for calling Impersonal Medical Associates.
You are likely calling in response to our recent email regarding our revised (not upgraded) standard operating procedures.
We realize that you remember fondly the good old days when doctors and their staffs took a personal interest in you and your family.
Here, at IMA, we’ve found that we no longer have the time to offer services like a receptionist who welcomes your call. Instead, we’re pleased to announce that we have researched and found four different and highly entertaining music channels you can choose while you wait on hold. Please don’t assume that because you’re on hold that you’ll eventually be connected to a live, breathing, caring associate. We stopped hiring those people during the pandemic.
Even though we’ve received hundreds of requests and lost countless patients due to our impersonal business practices, we press on. It’s a big world out there and, with 37 percent of people leaving the medical field, undoubtedly, we will, in time, recover other less discerning families.
Your average hold time is currently 27 minutes. Please leave a detailed message with our automated assistant who will forward your request to a live person when we hire one.
A reminder that messages left on Friday will be dealt with within ten working days by one of our rapidly improving patient care specialists who will arrange a zoom appointment with one of our physicians assistants.
Regrettably, we no longer welcome office, face to face appointments as they have become obsolete unless serious medical issues warrant them.
Please don’t expect a return to the good old days and requests for new music channels for telephone holds are always being considered.
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